CharmaineTwq's

And I lived; naive and so young.

Friday, 20 December 2013

Overthinking.

Tonight is one of those nights I seriously hate having to go through. I just can't stop myself from thinking. And all my thoughts are just so tainted. I can never ever think of anything good, probably because I never ever had anything good to think about. Even if I do, I'd just be reminiscing the good old times. I've been so dark and negative for so long I'm not even sure if I can be saved anymore. I'm just waiting, for that day to come, where I can finally step out from this darkness and truly be happy again.

Okay so, I'm actually feeling really sick and tired of being ~~somebody~~ everybody's back up plan. I just want to feel important for once okay? I hate how everybody gets placed before me. At my Popo's house, it's always my cousins before me, my Uncles before me, my Aunties before me. At my Ahma's house, hah, it's even worse, I'm practically invisible when my cousins and Uncle is there. Not to mention them, they place everybody before my brother and I, even my Dad's cousins and their children. Why? It's like this at home, and it's also like this in school. When I'm with them, my opinions were never needed. Let's not talk about opinions, even my existence is of no significance. The girls would never include me in their outings. Why? And when I'm in there, I'm just like another person that they can do without. I bet even if I were to get transferred out, nobody would care. Why? Even my friends are like that. When they cannot find anybody else, they'd all come "Charmaine Charmaine", if they do have somebody to be with, they'd just push me aside no matter how much I needed them to be with me, just for that moment. Why? Am I no good enough? I'm pretty sure I treat certain people better than how the people they hang out with treat them, but they don't ever realize that. Or maybe, they do realize, they just choose to ignore it because I wasn't good enough for them. Maybe.

Right, look here, I do not even know why am I blogging now, I've already told myself that whatever happened in Secondary school stays there. That it's all over, it's time for me to stop dwelling over it and just move on. So tell me, why am I still so affected by all these things? And the fact that most of these happened in the past just shows that I'm not over whatever happened. I'm still trapped in the days where I truly felt like a nobody. Maybe it's all over already, but I just can't seem to snap out of it.

Right, another thing is the results - After seeing all my friends being so happy (most) after collecting their Nlevel results today, I started thinking about my own Olevel results. It's in less than one month's time that I'd be collecting it. That scares me, a lot. I really wish that I can be as happy as them when I collect my results. I really do wish that I can obtain the score I want and go to my dream school. But then again, who am I kidding man? I know that I didn't put in my very best for my O's, I knew it since a long time ago. I just didn't want to think about it. I know I shouldn't pin my hopes too high when I already know how was it like when I actually attempted all the papers back in Oct-Nov. Really, I know I shouldn't. But then again, this isn't the reality I wanted. I swear, if I can pull through this and get into a decent school/course, I'm not going to let anything or anybody affect me and pull me down anymore. I'll give it my best shot this time round, I really will. I'd work hard. I'd try to become really good at something, for once..

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