CharmaineTwq's

And I lived; naive and so young.

Saturday, 5 March 2016

day 7/7 - Results' Day

04/03/2016's

Okay there isn't supposed to be such a day but I kinda screwed up the number of days in countdown so I kinda included results day in my supposing seven days in heaven.

I can't really remember the things in detail but all I know is that I was hungover as fuck. They called my mum to pick me up from Singhui's house because I just such a fucking ball of emotional mess over there. lol I honestly cannot remember the last time the last time I bawled that hard but my best bet is during Olevel's first round of Chinese results' release day I guess? I really deserved that A1 for Chinese lor, but wtf oral merit -_- but yeah Olevel's irrelevant now. Okay anyways I woke up once at 2am to talk to certain people. In fact, 2 guys whom I'm pretty sure will never ever talk to me again. LOL Funny how some guys are like this. Okay let's call them A and B - A will prolly never ever talk to me again because he's either still mad at me for something I've done or he purely finds it awkward to restart our friendship after the previous confrontation. B will prolly never talk to me again because he is certain I can no longer give him what he wants, like LOL....... I thought we could be friends but I guess not. Anyways, I'll always welcome people back in my life although it's their decision to walk out of it. Then I felt fucking horrible because I couldn't sleep and the alcohol in my blood really made me feel like shit.

I woke up for the second time at 4am, puked real badly, but I've always enjoyed the taste of acid rising up my throat; a feeling of relieve and comfort. It's really a weird sensation, how something so disgustingly uncomfortable can also bring about such a great sense of satisfaction and relief. But yeah it made my mother really pissed off at me, not because I dirtied the place because I DIDN'T, but rather because she didn't see a need for me to get so ........ wasted. Fuck la I'm just weak man, I didn't even drink much. And yeah, I really felt very bad that night. :(

I woke up for the 4th time that day at 7am........ I didn't bathe, I just washed up and went to Eastpoint's Heavenly Wang to look for my Grandmother and 姨妈妈 (Aunty Selina) and my mother was like "Please spray something before you leave cause you really still reek of alcohol" and I'm like oKAy..... They were really nice and supportive of me, telling me that no matter the outcome, just calm down and slowly see what are the alternative pathways I can take.. :(

Went home to take a niceeeeeeeeeeeeee warrrrrrrrm bath after breakfast. Changed out and head to the coffee shop behind Nanyang to have lunch with Choo, Haikhee and Crys. In all honesty, I didn't feel anything at all. I was a little like "okay come at me bro" and a little like "ok actually whatever"... But then again, I wouldn't exactly describe myself as nonchalant either? I can't exactly remember.

It honestly felt good when people text me to wish me goodluck, telling me to keep them updated and assuring me that things will be fine. The ones I explicitly remember were - Cheyenne, Huiru, Nicholas, Chaihao, Kelvin, Minqi, CG and the other lovelies from Nanyang as well. I'm really thankful for their texts and call. ((Obviously my own fam too))

Not long after we settled down in the school hall, the honor roll started. I felt fucking proud of all my beloved friends who went on honor roll, especially the ones from 1405 because I didn't exactly care about the people from other classes because I was too nervous just looking at 1405. The atmosphere around 1405 was just so damn tensed because ZER0 people from 1405 went up for 3 distinctions, 2 went up for 4 distinctions and only perhaps 4(?) went up for 5 distinctions.... Everybody looked very disappointed in themselves... but then..... suRPRISE SURPRISE MOTHER FUKER, we took up almost 2 whole damn slides for the 6 distinctions page. LOL. I won't deny that at that point in time I already felt extremely shitty about myself but I really really really felt extremely happy and proud of my beloved class. PS, I later found out from my CT that 1405 came in first in level for Alevel's and I've never felt so proud.

I cried on my way to receive my results. I was basically the first person there standing in front of Mr Zhou. I remember as I was tearing up, he repeatedly told me that I did fine and there really wasn't the need to feel this upset, and of course I didn't believe him. Then Miss Ng came, with all our results slip, she said the same thing as Mr Zhou did when she saw me.......................................

Then okay I opened my results slip and.......... I don't know, I felt happy and glad and relieved there and then because it really was the "~~next best thing~~" and I knew that I didn't exactly fuck up that badly. At that moment all I wanted to do was to run to Liting to tell her, and so I did. Then I called my mum to tell her. Then started replying to texts and calls, etc. But, now that I really settle down and think about it, it really isn't anything to be proud of. I could really have done better. I won't say that I could have done a lot better because I am honestly satisfied with everything else except that one subject. I feel like that I totally could have gotten a distinction in that subject if only I worked harder, it's really regretful how things turned out this way. I know I have nobody else to blame except myself, but sometimes I cannot help but feel the want to blame it on my subject tutor because he, in my own opinion, is nothing but a bad teacher who's so full of himself. He's the only teacher I didn't thank (I later found out that most of my friends also left him out when it comes to thanking the teachers) when I sent out my messages to my respective subject tutors. Miss Sum was the first teacher I texted although she wasn't any of my subject tutor. Miss Sum have taught me a lot more than the other teachers did because she really taught me skills that I know I can keep and utilize them to create and to conquer my own world in the near future and I am thankful for that. I am so thankful for all the wonderful teachers, friends and principal that I have in Nanyang Junior College!!! T^T

I really hope that I can receive enlightenment on the path I should be taking from now on ASAP...and that I can really pursue what I want to in Uni and make the BEST out of my Uni life like I did in Nanyang. And this time round in Uni, I hope I will no longer have to be the next best thing again, I'm so sick of not being good enough and so sick of the feeling of inadequacy already. I will work hard. I will prove people wrong, like how I proved........ Amilia wrong....... Although she didn't even ask me for my results but since she was so sure that I wouldn't be able to make it anywhere in JC... LElllll nope. :-)

Okay so to Charmaine and everybody else reading this, let's all work hard in the upcoming chapter of our lives and to make the best out of it. Jiayou!!!!

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