Many people have been telling me that I am very harsh on myself. 

I do not agree. 

If I were, I wouldn't end up like this. 

I really really really cannot help but feel very disgusted by myself from time to time. I feel like I am a really bad human sometimes. I feel like my morals or thoughts are no longer in line with my actions. I keep doing things that I myself deem as "wrong" (because technically, it isn't wrong, it's just me). This is so ironic, Why am I even doing it when I know I shouldn't be doing it, I just cannot help but give in to temptation every single time. And that is what makes me a bad human. I have no self-discipline, no self-control, and maybe no self-love even.

And sometimes I just look at myself and all I feel is a really strong feeling of disgust. Not for my actions but just for who I am as a person. I just feel really ugly and fat and that  makes me feel disgusting. This is not a hate post for people who are slightly overweight and all, it's once again, just myself. It's always me. 

There are just so many what if's in my life because of who I am as a person, a horrible person. 

What if I could control myself from eating?

What if I studied harder?

What if I just worked a little harder?

What if I put in a bit more effort?

What if I am more determined?

What if I could stopped myself from doing certain things?

What if I said no?

What if I thought through it more thoroughly before saying anything? 

What if I waited a little more? 

What if I had better self-discipline? 

What if I put myself first before others?

What if none of these happened?

...

What if, just what if..

Always too fast to act and also too fast to regret.

I just want to stop doing things that'll keep me up at 4am, wondering if that makes me any less of a person compared to the others round me. And to stop regretting my actions, to stop thinking of the what ifs that will never happen because time doesn't stop nor go back for anybody. I really really admire those who are always so sure of themselves. The ones who are always so confident of their words, their actions and of themselves. 

I just want to stop doubting myself, to tell myself that everything is okay, that I am okay, I am enough.

But, is it really okay? And am I really enough? 

Haha, nope.

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