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Saturday, 20 May 2017
my best friend
At different stages of life, we tend to meet new friends, get closer to them and inevitably, drift away from the ones we were close to previously. And thanks to that, I find myself having a new "best friend" every few years.
I've grown apart from my old "best friends" and I won't deny how upset I feel each time round.
But I think, it's hitting me the hardest this time round.
And I'm guessing it's because none of my previous best friends have ever loved me this hard. Or rather, I don't think anybody has ever loved me the way you used to. It really didn't occur to me how much we've drifted apart until a few months ago. When I realise, we ran out of things to say and do despite us only meeting up once every few months? That evening, when you left my room, I cried - the hardest in awhile. I know we've changed. And it really hits me so hard that we will never be the same.
I know I haven't exactly been the nicest or bestest friend. And I'm sorry for that. I've tried. And I am still trying, judging by how I constantly text you once in awhile etc. I really miss you and miss us. This feeling is just drowning me nowadays because you've found someone new, and this time round, I haven't. I would still choose you over any of my new friends any day, any time, but this doesn't apply to you anymore.
Initially, I thought it was just because you got attached, I got attached, so we no longer have as much time and love for each other. But I realised it's not like that because you are still really happy and close with your other friends. I get jealous when I see you constantly heading out with others but you just seem so reluctant to spend time me. I'm sorry for making myself so busy in school and in hall, that I don't have enough time for you and us, but I guess it doesn't really matter to you anymore.
We are two very different individuals since the very beginning, but we never gave up, we compromised and became the best part of each other's lives. Why can't this be the case now? I remember when we celebrated HK's 19th, we both cried, because we knew everything's going to be so different when University starts. And I guess we are both right, but the only difference now is that it no longer bothers you as much like it bothers me right now. Maybe you got sick of my negativity. Maybe you got sick of how different we are. Maybe you got sick of how we have different focus and priorities in life right now. Maybe you just moved on. Maybe I would have been better if I found someone new like you did. But that's not the case. I can never ever find a friend better than you were.
Honestly, I really feel like nobody can ever love me the way you did. Not even Nicholas. Nobody has ever done so much, sacrificed so much, loved me so much. I am selfish. I want you back in my life because I love you so so so much too.... :( It just suddenly hit me that the one person I used to do everything with, spend 90% of my time with, is just... gone. I will never ever find another one like you.
Omg I am crying again. I miss you. I love you... and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to make you love me any less than before.
I will try to get over the fact that we are no longer like we were before.
But if given a chance, I'll still want to do anything and everything I can to make this work again.
I sound damn over-dramatic right now but I swear it's only because I really don't wanna lose her. lol........
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