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Friday, 27 July 2018
Trying
For the past two years, the hardest thing I've been trying to do is to try to move on.
I'm slowly getting somewhere - Which makes me really proud of myself.
On some nights, when I am just doing nothing, chilling with myself, I cannot help but plunge myself into the endless dark hole also known as my own thoughts. It's dark. It's scary. I try to swim, but who am I kidding? I'm drowning.
I remember that night in my living room. I was crying so badly. I told Chang that I envied him, and his family. I told him that I miss what I used to have. I miss my dad. I remember being so close to him. I remember being happy and whole. I've grown up to accept that life ain't always a bed of roses, it sucks, but we grow, adapt, then move on. I've grown, adapted, and am moving on. But really, who am I kidding? It's easier said than done.
I remember that night in our AirBnb in Johor Bahru. I was, once again, crying so badly. This time, Chang wasn't as quiet and calm. This time, he was mad, so so mad. His rage I couldn't understand at that point in time, but now I do. It stems from his confusion on what to do to make the girl he loves so so much feel better and just, happier. I'm sorry for making you feel confused and bad about yourself. It's not you, it's me, really. I am very emotional. I am also overly attached to people around me, the people I've chosen to be attached to. I've always thought that I have control over my own emotions and life. But sometimes, or rather, many times, I don't... Anyways, back to topic. I was crying so hard because I cannot fathom the cruelty of LT. Dude, we were literally like siamese twins back in JC, so so close, so so attached to each other. No doubts, we had our differences (like how I always admit and talk to her about it - oh, which also turns out to be the reason she gave for throwing me/our friendship away - ridiculous... I don't think I was wrong in pointing out our differences, because if we can accept it back then, why not now? Ri-di-cu-lous), but we were fine. I am truly truly broken when she told me (the night before I went to JB) that we can no longer be friends, and that she's happy with her life now and she hopes I am too. Well. I am. But, in all honesty, it can be a little better with her still in it. But I guess, chapter's over, move on Charmaine. Life just loves to play trick on me. For the past year, we practically don't even see each other around. But now that I finally found the courage to confront her, in hope of talking things out and getting her back into my life but only to be miserably rejected, I ran into her twice in a short span of 3 weeks. To give myself some credit, I stayed calm although my thoughts and heart was wild as fuck. It's really funny how the person who used to tell me how I deserve all the happiness in the world eventually became the one to strip me off that entitlement completely, even if it is only for this..... miserable one year. I will be fine. I mean, this isn't the first time things like this happened.. but I guess none of them ended this badly because eventually people grow up and we get over it. But I guess for LT, she's still that one person like how I remember her to be - the one who would guard her own heart and to just avoid all problems and possible crisis to prevent herself from getting hurt, even if it means she has to stab me in mine, thoroughly and completely wrecking me. I am not okay. But I will be. I mean, I was so mad when she offered me her half-ass explanation. But now, I guess I get it, from the vague memories I have of her as a person, I am able to understand why she did what she did. I am not even that mad anymore. It is certainly a pity to lose a good friend, but, I'm okay.
People come and go.
You can call me stupid, but, to everybody who has chosen to leave me, I will always welcome you back when you feel like you want to.
Yes, I seem like an egoistic fuck, (I mean, I think I am), but, I am always always always able to cast my huge ass ego aside for the people whom I deem valuable to me. Trust me, although I act like people don't mean shit to me, I value each and every person, whom I've ever crossed path with, in ways you probably don't expect coming from this angsty lil' girl.
There is really so so much to be upset about in this world, in my own life. But growing up means to look past them and to focus on the good.
Also, 9 more days till NYC.
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