It's been a hot minute!

I've recently gone back to Singapore and left. Honestly, has not been the easiest trip to take. 

I was back in Singapore for a total of 4 full weeks I think? Spent one week in quarantine, but it wasn't that bad because I served my SHN at home. So I was at least with my (immediate) family I guess. 

Four weeks flew by just like that. I didn't really think much of it or even feel much until it was time to leave. I think I was initially super overwhelmed with meeting so many friends on my first 2 weeks out of SHN - Erm, bad bad idea, I am never going to do this again. It was so exhausting, both physically and mentally. My social battery was so drained every single day. Sorry to say but I'm not going to meet so many people the next time....

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FRIENDS and I know y'all love me too. In fact, despite how tiring it is, each meetup session was a great one and I always have so much fun catching up and playing around with my pals. 

I think my biggest regret about this trip is how I've allocated way too little time for my own family. I didn't think much of it initially because I was thinking I'll be eating breakfast with them every day at the very least so it should be fine but I realized that wasn't the case. :( I really wish I spent more time and did more things with them. 

Recently, maybe a few weeks ago, I had this random flashback of myself saying how Family is always the most important thing to me or the thing I hold closest to my heart. I think I first said this when I was in Primary or Secondary school, not too sure. One thing I'm sure of though, is that nothing changed.

It's kinda weird. I spend so much time and emotional capacity wishing that things can be different for my Family. Once again, don't get me wrong, I love my family so damn much. I don't think it's that common but I truly love my roots, even down to my (slightly) distant relatives like my uncles and aunties. I don't know if it's because of the amount of time I spend with them since young but I just feel so attached to them, in different ways from one to another of course.

Back to the main topic. I really wish things were different at home sometimes (or rather, all the time). I feel so sad for us sometimes. Referring to my immediate family. There's always this lingering pain I can't seem to will away. It's funny. I try very hard to remember the last good day we had together but ironically, I can't really remember that exact final moment. Everything feels like a blur. I'm not sure if it's my subconscious tuning everything out or what. I feel sad for my mother, mostly. But sometimes, a certain guilt tugs at my heartstring when I think of how distant we are from my father. Logically speaking, I should not and do not need to feel that way, but I still do. I think of how lonely he is, and will be. I think of how great it will be if we could be as close to that side of the family as my maternal side of the family. I think a lot. And as a result, I feel a lot. It never stops stinging - at the heart and the eye.

When I think of my maternal grandparents, I think of how I wish I can have them in my life forever. I think of how much more I can do for them while we are still here together. I think about how can I make them happy. I think about all the good food I want to buy for them. I think about all the money I want to give them and the life experiences I want to bring them. They make me miss home the most.

When I think of my paternal grandparents, I don't really know what to think. To be quite honest, I don't recall us having a very close relationship ever. But I guess it is because of that that I sometimes wish we did. Having such a wonderful bond with my maternal grandparents, I can only imagine how great it will be if that kind of relationship is replicated and doubled. Sometimes I do think of the SMALL fragments of the good time I have with each of my paternal grandparents. It can be as small as just remembering their faces because that's just how little time we spend together. 

I wish things were different and better for us. I wish one day we will all heal and move past this. But, how do we move past and away from something that is essentially a part of our very being?

Maybe one day I will stop wishing.