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Friday, 13 October 2023
past lives
I have not watched the movie. But the term past lives got me thinking. I wonder if it's my personality or ego that speaks when I think of people from my past lives. I don't often think of people from my past life because there are already so many things and people to think about in my present life. When I do think of them, it mostly stems from regret. It's funny how I think of people who cast me out of their lives more often than people who are low-maintenance friends. Admittedly, I have not always been the best person or friend. But I definitely worked on myself a lot in the past few years. I guess that's why people from my past life scare me. I don't want to be seen and associated with the person I used to be but if they knew me from back then that's all they have of me. It's funny and very puzzling to me how I have become the person this old friend decided to abandon out of everybody else. I may not have been the best friend to them but I definitely do not think that I ever did anything horrible or bad to them. If they can be happy for an acquaintance-type friend why did they choose to abandon me? Like, maybe there were expectations I didn't live up to. I have so many hypotheses that should not even matter because I should live my own life and move on. I always wonder why people think they have the power to torment me like this but in all honesty, it is myself. I handed it to them. Friday, 18 February 2022
hot take on being back in Singapore and familial ties
It's been a hot minute! I've recently gone back to Singapore and left. Honestly, has not been the easiest trip to take. I was back in Singapore for a total of 4 full weeks I think? Spent one week in quarantine, but it wasn't that bad because I served my SHN at home. So I was at least with my (immediate) family I guess. Four weeks flew by just like that. I didn't really think much of it or even feel much until it was time to leave. I think I was initially super overwhelmed with meeting so many friends on my first 2 weeks out of SHN - Erm, bad bad idea, I am never going to do this again. It was so exhausting, both physically and mentally. My social battery was so drained every single day. Sorry to say but I'm not going to meet so many people the next time.... Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FRIENDS and I know y'all love me too. In fact, despite how tiring it is, each meetup session was a great one and I always have so much fun catching up and playing around with my pals. I think my biggest regret about this trip is how I've allocated way too little time for my own family. I didn't think much of it initially because I was thinking I'll be eating breakfast with them every day at the very least so it should be fine but I realized that wasn't the case. :( I really wish I spent more time and did more things with them. Recently, maybe a few weeks ago, I had this random flashback of myself saying how Family is always the most important thing to me or the thing I hold closest to my heart. I think I first said this when I was in Primary or Secondary school, not too sure. One thing I'm sure of though, is that nothing changed. It's kinda weird. I spend so much time and emotional capacity wishing that things can be different for my Family. Once again, don't get me wrong, I love my family so damn much. I don't think it's that common but I truly love my roots, even down to my (slightly) distant relatives like my uncles and aunties. I don't know if it's because of the amount of time I spend with them since young but I just feel so attached to them, in different ways from one to another of course. Back to the main topic. I really wish things were different at home sometimes (or rather, all the time). I feel so sad for us sometimes. Referring to my immediate family. There's always this lingering pain I can't seem to will away. It's funny. I try very hard to remember the last good day we had together but ironically, I can't really remember that exact final moment. Everything feels like a blur. I'm not sure if it's my subconscious tuning everything out or what. I feel sad for my mother, mostly. But sometimes, a certain guilt tugs at my heartstring when I think of how distant we are from my father. Logically speaking, I should not and do not need to feel that way, but I still do. I think of how lonely he is, and will be. I think of how great it will be if we could be as close to that side of the family as my maternal side of the family. I think a lot. And as a result, I feel a lot. It never stops stinging - at the heart and the eye. When I think of my maternal grandparents, I think of how I wish I can have them in my life forever. I think of how much more I can do for them while we are still here together. I think about how can I make them happy. I think about all the good food I want to buy for them. I think about all the money I want to give them and the life experiences I want to bring them. They make me miss home the most. When I think of my paternal grandparents, I don't really know what to think. To be quite honest, I don't recall us having a very close relationship ever. But I guess it is because of that that I sometimes wish we did. Having such a wonderful bond with my maternal grandparents, I can only imagine how great it will be if that kind of relationship is replicated and doubled. Sometimes I do think of the SMALL fragments of the good time I have with each of my paternal grandparents. It can be as small as just remembering their faces because that's just how little time we spend together. I wish things were different and better for us. I wish one day we will all heal and move past this. But, how do we move past and away from something that is essentially a part of our very being? Maybe one day I will stop wishing. Sunday, 4 July 2021
August
It's been a while. Augusts haven't been great the past few years. They have always been for goodbyes. In 2018, I bid Singapore farewell for New York City - albeit still sad to leave people I love, and loved, behind, it was exciting to embark on a whole new journey at least. In 2019, I bit New York City farewell and returned to Singapore. The city had been nothing but exciting and kind to me. I definitely was not done with the city, and I promised to be back. Fast forward to 2021, he's leaving me for New York City. It sure feels less exciting and a whole lot more fomo to be the one left behind. // For the first time in my life, I am actually truthfully dreading the fourth quarter of the year. It has always been the quarter of festive and celebrations. But I guess, there's just not that much to celebrate if you don't have your best love with you. This is some real melancholy dramatic - pardon me. I'm hoping for an easier quarter ahead for me, especially if I have to deal with it alone. More than anything else, I hope for his safety and happiness while concurring the big city alone. I mean, I'm still there, just not physically (for now). Monday, 21 January 2019
x
 Some sadness I can never get rid off no matter how hard I try. I'm just going to live with it. I'm okay, I always am. Omg, being incoherent again. On some days, I really just want to cry myself to death and then have someone hug me and tell me it's okay. 就很想有个人来心疼我。 Need to sort my emotions, feelings, thoughts, goals, and basically my entire life out soon. I'll be fine, just needed to talk. Wednesday, 26 September 2018
First week of work
So difficult to document everything because it has literally been more than a month!!! But, I'll try. I guess this is me making up for my own failure in "writing my diary" LOL. Dudeeee, I bought two stacks of papers from Muji in hope of writing down about my days in New York so that I can have something concrete to look back at next time.. What are the chances of me printing out photos and having them nicely compiled in my muji paper-diary/file/folder... Close to 0.. Omg but I feel like I really should.. It's not everyday that you decide to just randomly leave the country for a good one year after listening to some talk about it at your first Uni camp.. (yes, I heard about NOC at SECC16/17 and I was immediately SOLD)
13th August 2018
IT'S MY FIRST DAY OF WORK!!!!!!!!  Because we went Ikea to get our furniture the night before, we bought this amazing 6 for $4 cinnamon buns!!! It's SUPER HUGE AND AMAZING. Had it for breakfast - Super morale boosting for my first day of work I must say.  Saw this promo at the cafe right below my office and I thought to myself - omg it's actually pretty worth it.. I totally considered getting this.  So of course, I had my on-boarding session. Diya (my co-founder who's liaising with Mervyn/NOC the whole time) was not in town so my other co-founder, Jake, helped me with that. Like, few minutes into the conversation, he dropped this bomb that went "You're aware we are moving office in 2 weeks' time right?" I was like 😀❓ I honestly panicked a bit because I was so scared it'll be super far from home or inconvenient or whatever. But okay, luckily it was just down the street (kinda... 15 mins by foot). So, I'm actually currently working at Bowery, aka, Manhattan Chinatown. HAHA bless me and my Chinese food.  Had welcome lunch with Brian, Ignacio, Chris, and Jake. So Brian, Ignacio and Chris are from the AdWords team while I'm from the Marketing team. My Marketing managers weren't in/free that day so I joined them instead. Chris was also a newcomer and we both started on the same day. Yay! Pretty cool because although I'm interning in America, the people from my officer are literally from all over the world?! Like, majority of us ain't even from New York. Brian is from Ireland, Ignacio from France, Chris from Taiwan (yay Asian) but he studied in Boston before coming to New York for work. There's like Chinese and Indians in my company too. Super diverse, I really like it. Also, this is greek!! We ordered one pita bread roll for everybody, 3 dips + smoll pita bread, and then a greek cheese fries to share. It was my first time trying Hummus and some Eggplant dip, then the last dip was the classic Tzatziki - made of greek yogurt, strained cucumber, salt, pepper, and garlic. Dude I was slightly embarrassed to be taking photos so this is just a shot I casually took before keeping my phone... Would have loved to be taking actual nice shots of the amazing food. It was the company's treat. Love it!!! Right, so at that point, Junel and I were still staying in Phoebe's house. But we were super determined to move out that evening after work. I mean, of course we have to!!! Not like we can stay there and use up their water and electricity any longer. So after work, we depressingly packed up our stuffs at Phoebe's place before getting an Uber to our house.  Omg so Phoebe stays on the 3rd floor so we had to faking lug all our 4 luggage down two flights of stairs.... bUT luckily when we were on the second floor, this kind guy staying there heard the commotion and came out to help us.. Omg he was really so nice we were all so paiseh. He was like "No worries! I haven't gone to the gym today anyways" :")!!! And because Shrad and Kush helped Chesna dragged her luggage to our house, they helped us move our luggage up the two flights of stairs at our house too. Omg, so so thankful :") They're so nice!!  Also, this is us desperately trying to put together our furniture. Oh, think I haven't mentioned but basically, the house we rented was not an AirBnB (lol we can't afford that shit ya). It's really an EMPTY, BARE house... So we have to get all our furniture, starting from 0.. But I guess that's not a completely bad thing because I don't know if I will be completely comfortable with sleeping on a bed that has been used by gOD knows whO for gOd knows WHAt... Kush helped me with the bed, yay! Junel too, since she didn't have work that day.. Her CEO wasn't in so she only had to go in on Tuesday. Okay so we finished building our beds and shit, but because the house is seriously faking dirty it is impossible to stay there LOL. So.. We went over to Kush's house to crash for the night. :") BTW They literally stay across the streets.  Peace out house!  Ended the depressing "settling in" night with Fat Witch Bakery's brownie that Junel bought for us <3
14th August 2018
It was a boring day with nothing much happening in the day. But I got to work early so I grabbed breakfast before going to my office. Got myself McGriddle!!!!! Omg I love it. I feel like the ones here are much sweeter than the ones we have in Singapore. Great, now that I can literally get it everyday, I don't even want to have it. I've only had it once since I'm here AKA this^  Wearing this dress I got from Refash when I met Level 5 for dinner. It's amazing. I got it at $14 and an additional 10% on top of it. The dress was originally from The Closet Lover!! I have been wanting a dress of this cutting for v long so I'm happy I got two at one shot... Right, it's a super cool design (double layer kinda) such that you can wear it inside out. So it's two different colors. Hehe so happy!  Had a $1 pizza for lunch because I already spent on McDonald's in the morning and I didn't really want to be spending so much.. Pssh. Let me just share this hilarious story about the pizza stores near my workplace. So I went into Pizza place A wanting to buy $0.99 pizza slice, but I also tried my lucky to ask about the pizzas with toppings la. Then the crazy guy just replied me faking rudely that it's $3.50 for pepperoni and shit so I'm like WOah bro chill so I left and went to Pizza place B to buy this ^. Then the very next day, Pizza place A caught fire and I could see it from my office and I was like LOL......  We went to Target to get some household essentials before heading back to our house. Thank god Avril's dad drove... and then we headed to Checker's (this fast food place near Avril's hotel) for dinner. Omg their chicken patty is basically the trashy Ramly burger high sodium, high fat, low meat patty. But too bad, I can't have beef. Oh but there was bacon and cheese so it made everything kinda amazing.. :") Also, notice how I had fast food for all my three meals in one day? FML. PS as I am writing this blog post, I realized I REALLY put on weight already.. omg...  So, although we moved in to our house already, we didn't have the time to FULLY clean and set up our own rooms.. So that night we slept on Avril's FLOOR. LOL :") Her parents helped her clean her room already so it's amazing compared to our dusty ass gross rooms. She was still staying with them in the hotel so we sneaked into her room and slept on her floor because it isn't v nice to sleep on someone's bed without asking.. HAHAHHAHA WE TURNED ON HER AIR-CON TOO. Oh, Avril's the only one with an air-con, but I think it's fine la, like, the weather is generally pretty cold now.
15th August 2018
As usual, I was too early for work. So I decided to explore this place called Essex Market.. It's kinda weird that they sell all the different kinds of things at one place.. So yes, raw fish.  Then there's this bakery at the corner.. Omg looks so amazing but it's so pricey.  I remember seeing Paul. E (my Marketing manager) eating some bomb ass salmon sandwich so I asked him about it and he said it was from Essex Market. HAHA  The place is called Nordic Preserves Fish & Wildlife Company. You can find it on yelp here.    This photo really does no justice to the baguette. I got "The Nordic". It's also super huge I kept half of it for dinner. They were so so generous with the salmon. There's also some cream sauce with caviar. But the baguette was also filled with coriander.. omfg. But okay due to the lack of vegetables in my diet here, I forced myself to finish it lol.  So yeah, went back and started cleaning up my faking house (yes, in my dress LOL we don't have laundry in unit so we can't do laundry often.. which means no wasting of new clothes in cleaning of the room!!!)  Basically, we cleaned our own rooms and wore slippers in the living room and kitchen because we don't have that much time to clean up the whole house.. :")  Dude, I was really like so happy when I finally managed to start unpacking and putting up all my clothes. REALly simple joys in life.
16th August 2018
 So I bought this ham and egg croissant from this Hong Kong bakery nearby. Omg it wasn't exactly like a "croissant", it's more like bread. But super buttery and nice hehe. 
Oh, Urvi (one of my colleague, she's super nice!!) bought this back from her trip! Omg the cookies came in this REALLY pretty metal tin box, which I shamelessly and Asianly asked if I could keep it after everybody's done with the cookies. I was so glad I did. I use the metal tin to put all my souvenirs!!
LOL I SENT THIS TO MY BF TELLING HIM EH I THINK I slimmed down from all the qi can living and tons of walking in the first week. But fast forward 5 weeks, I am fking fat now. lol I really just realized how much weight I've gained here... Depression intensifies.
So I walked pretty far out to this Chinese place - and this eventually became my house's dumpling supplier.
I ate outdoors that day because I was honestly scared of my colleagues judging the smell of my Chinese food.. omg. So I bought peanut butter noodles ($2.50) and 10 dumplings for $3.50, omg it really was so worth it because I split this up to 2 meals LOL. Their dumplings are seriously the best of all the different stores I've tried in New York leh. Maybe their meat is slightly salty but other than that, they have a generous portion of meat and chives in each dumpling which makes me :")!!!! And the dumpling skin isn't disgustingly thick or whatever. The only thing this store lacks is the black vinegar.. The sauce you see here is light soy sauce. They do have the white vinegar in the shop but... the idea of it just makes me feel weird all over so I didn't even bother. Oh, because this is a Fu Zhou shop, I tried their Fu Zhou Fishballs (the one with meat inside) and their Yan Jiao (basically soup wanton but they use meat to make the thin layer of wanton skin aka faking amazing). Their soup is really bland though, contrary to the other Chinese soups I've had here. But I guess it's good we don't feel thirsty after eating, which means this isn't one of those typical MSG-loaded Chinese eateries here. Hehe!
My peanut butter noodle... The "wheat noodle" is basically meepok and that makes me :")
Also that day, one of my colleague from L.A. ordered Artichoke Pizza for us. Omg that is seriously the cheesiest/creamiest pizza I've ever had in my life. It really was SOOOO sinful.. There's just so much sauced that when we opened the pizza box, we realized that the pizza sauced spilled over the pizza crust a little. Super amazing.
17th August 2018
Meh, boring day!
But here's me wearing the "other side/color" of my dress from Refash. HAHAHAH
Had some Mervyn event in the evening and he got us Potbelly!!! He ordered a footlong for each of us - Roast beef and Turkey. I obviously took the Turkey because this bitch can't have no beef ya. It's pretty nice with the American Cheese. The "footlong" really isn't footlong imo. Like, it's significantly smaller than the regular Subway's kind of footlong.. So yeah, I finished both sandwiches aka one full "footlong" in one sitting... lol fat
The batch went for some chill drink at a bar afterwards. LOL. We literally only got like a beer each.. But the owner was pretty happy to welcome us so he gave us 3 sets of calamari and fried chicken wings. Wtf. It was like, on the house. Pretty sure they cost more than our drinks though.. Didn't order a beer because I don't want to spend money + I really didn't want to keep drinking in the States.. But end up there was an extra drink we couldn't figure out who ordered so I just took it. HONESTLY thought I wouldn't have to pay but meh okay never mind I ended up paying in the end. HHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
18th August 2018
omg this is like our first fun weekend here in New York!!!!!! So this part is gonna get pretty long.
So we really wanted to go for Summer street. It's basically a Summer event whereby there are road closures on Saturdays and then there'll be many stores set up on the streets. Basically, like any other Pasar Malam but the more atas one, aka like those stupid Art Box events in Singapore where they sell $10 milkshake and $15 toasts just because it's colorful. 🤷🏻♀ I must say, I really hate the idea of food coloring... meh
Anyways, it was somewhere in Manhattan so we walked around Manhattan that day.
Basically just taking random pics of things I don't actually know.. I should read up more.
 The Halal Guys! It's apparently a very highly raved food truck in New York. Junel and Chesna really wanted to try it so we went to hunt for it in Manhattan. But okay honestly, there's quite a few "branches" (or trucks) all around New York so..  Cutes!!! Love the yellow. I've been digging the color a lot recently.  Right, there was quite a queue..  The menu. Falafel is basically the protein option for vegetarians and vegan. It's a patty made mostly of chickpeas!  I initially asked if they wanted to share but Avril wanted her own so everybody was like oh okay let's get our own then. So Junel and Chesna ordered before me, they both got the combo meal. I mean, I would have too, except I cannot eat beef. So as I wanted to order my Chicken bowl, they stopped me and went "omg actually, want to share? A lot leh" and I'm like.. OMGGGG ... Panicked for a mad 5 seconds because the queue was long. But then I was like "ERRRR OK." then I stepped out of the line. Also, can I just say that I thought the rice = cheddar cheese LMAO 
So yeah I ate the chicken while they ate the beefy side. So basically this bowl includes pita bread, your choice of protein, rice (I think it's Briyani), and some vege. I love that their sauces were free-flow. Their hot sauce was crazy ass spicy though. I refilled the white sauce many times.. Super fattening but I really love it. Went to ask them what was the white sauce because it looks like mayo but it wasn't exactly like it either. So the special white sauce was made of mayo, vinaigrette, and some spices. That was what I was told. But I just did a quick google search and this is what I got -
Their hot sauce was crazy ass spicy though.
The sad thing about this pic is that I thought I look good here but my boyfriend and family said I look faking fat here. I'm like HUH..... REALLY MEH.
 LOL @ my head. This is us in front of the supposedly "Summer street" - Everything here is super overpriced, except this one cute earring store!! I actually got a pair at like $2? Although it's USD it's pretty affordable still. I got a pair of wooden circular earrings (which I dropped when I wanted to wear it the following weekend then broke it lmao fml but although it broke, nothing chipped so it still looks good/you can't see unless you come real close and attempt to lick my ears maybe 🤷🏻♀)  
Would love to do a "photos I take of my friends vs photos my friends take of me" one day. But okay, honestly, my housemates are still okay at taking pics because after all we are a house of 4 bimbotic hungry baboons.
 
We then went to Rockerfeller Center and Radio City Music Hall.
So basically, they sell tons of official merchandises inside. I haven't watched Friends yet but I took a photo of this to send Chang. hehe
HAHAHAHA, don't think I've mentioned but I LOVE making gifs of myself and sending them to people.
  
Typical tourist shots because I just wanted to feel like one! Also, this is the first and last time I actually wore shorts out in New York because during my first week, I didn't want to as I feel ..... dirty and iicky all over when I got around in their subway and everything. I mean, you really can't blame me can you? Their train stations reek of urine and I even saw rats running on the track AND the platform before.... and also because it got cold SO FAST... I'm already all wrapped up now!
Boy magnet Junel with some stranger photobombing her or rather, touching her!!! WOOHOO!!!
Random selfie as we carried on walking down summer street.
Thanks Iman for giving me this cap, it's the only one I brought along to NYC.
Trump tower. Walked past it while we were on the way to Central Park.
Central Park is HUGE.
pReTTy with families chilling and all.
  Actually us photo-bombing Chesna's scenary shot but it turned out pretty cute.  Err, got a stranger to help us take a pic of beautiful us with the beautiful background but for some reason she decided to focus on the ground... errr. Right, so far all the photos we got strangers to help us with looks pretty crappy with hella bad framing Idk why.. :") 
So, as young empowered young ladies, we decided to just do it ourselves!
Forgot what/where is this but yeah looks nice, just take.
Us going back feat. crazy hair Junel and a guy who looks like the block D Kai Li.
19th August 2018
Sadly spent our day back in Mervyn's office for another briefing. Can't really remember what was it about anymore...
No free food that day so we went for breakfast at this Brunch place near his office. Decided to save money and have some $3.50 bread or something. It's BEC (Bacon, Egg, Cheese) but the egg really sucks LOLOL.
I REALLY cannot remember much.. but yeah then we went to Target to get stuffs.
I lugged that huge heavy ass microwave back from Dekalb (the station which we saw human shit at the subway fml) because I was super cheapo and refused to Uber back.. LOL. Thanks housemates for dealing with my money-saving habits... :") Also, thank you for all looking so beautiful, giving my trashy blog posts a boost in readership because I am FAKING SURE I have stupid guy friends that'll come and read/SCROLL my blog to see photos of them.
Dabaoed Pork Broccoli from this Chinese place right outside the train station at our house. Dude, this costs $5.50? It's super worth because the portion is so big we usually split it into two meals or share them. And it tastes pretty nice, except it's a little too oily sometimes but o well, what isn't?
This is after restocking my cereal!!! Only the cereal boxes and Nutella are from here though, I brought the others over from Singapore LOL. I really brought half a huge large suitcase of food... Then 1/4 suitcase of sanitary pads (LOL SUPER THANKFUL THO, the sanitary pads here are expensive and some looks I will get a yeast infection if I were to use them), one hand-carry of shoes... etc.
Also, I regret NOT listening to Jia Li, whom advised me to bring more winter than summer clothes BECAUSE Wayne Lee who went to Georgia last year told me it's okay, I can just grab the winter stuffs here.... Guess not! I mean, I can, and I will, but I feel like it isn't enough and I need/want more. Should've brought all my cute sweaters and pullovers like REALLY... Not like I'll wear them in Singapore without dying of heat. fak my life.
Also x2, I read my blog posts and think to myself "damn I'm really so funny and hilarious", not so much of my content but the way I speak. Damn, how is it possible to not be in love with me? I wouldn't know. Chang is so lucky!
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